Laughing Through the Dark Times

I hate the fact that as a fully functional adult who tries to avoid conflict as much as possible, I am required to be the bigger person. I am currently stuck in between wanting to try and fix a situation with someone whom I will be seeing often, but also wanting to tell her to fuck off at the same time. Which should I pick?

A few of my close friends have told me I should be completely unapologetic and say exactly what I need and want to say, like I usually do. Give her the completely uncensored, unfiltered Billy-Blogs. But this will undoubtedly make a few of my friends’ lives harder and more awkward when we are all inevitably around each other.

My other solution is swallowing my pride and just being nice. This has been the path I have been on, but it basically is turning me into a bitch in this situation. Ignoring things that I normally would have something slick to say, but knowing it’s not going to solve anything, is the problem.

I am not typically an emotional person. 90% of the time, I try to act logically before making decisions. But there are plenty of times where I lash out and just say what needs to be said, no matter the consequences. The predicament I am currently in, I hate the fact that I am even here.

I have had girls block me and ghost me, and I’ve moved on and lived with it. It’s life, it sucks, but you have to be like Dory from ‘Finding Nemo’ – “Just keep swimming” – and basically have amnesia in shitty situations. It would definitely help me in life, lol. The reason why this situation sucks for me is because I tried very hard to stay in her life and “be friends” and eventually win her back. One day, she flipped out on me for trying to do this, and I calmly said I need to do what’s best for me and I can’t be friends right now.

So, I have not reached out to her except to calmly tell her that if we are going to be around each other in the same friend group, we need to be cordial. But in the few months we have not been together, she has drunk called me with friends about a dozen times. She has sent me some snippy text messages that didn’t need to happen. And when I don’t answer the messages, she starts calling me at 3 am, saying “her friend did it.”

Now, I can be a dick and tell her to leave me the fuck alone and block her number and all communication, but the problem is I don’t hate her. And if I am being honest, I kind of enjoy the random messages because that means I am still in her head. Her and her friends are thinking of me and talking about me. Kind of gives me a bit of an ego boost, knowing it’s been 4 months and she’s still thinking of me and the fact that I cut her off bothers her.

However, if I told her to fuck off, then when we are all together in our friend group, it will be a shit show for the people we are around. It’s already awkward for a few friends who are good with me and her.

So the route that I have been taking is the high road and being the bigger person, and it fucking sucks. Being cordial and laughing at her attitude-filled messages. It reaches out to me randomly when I am finally moving on and doing better, then BAM! Back in my head again. I know I am the bad guy in her story. There is no future with us solely because of what she has told her friends about me, making me the bad guy. I am perfectly fine with being the bad guy, but if that’s the case, stop coming back into my life. You have already blocked me all over social media. When we are around each other in real life, it’s like I don’t exist. But then you still randomly hit me up.

Being the bad guy in a relationship is not ideal, but if I have to be the asshole, I will be. But I was raised to try and make as few waves as possible unless it absolutely has to be done. Why would I want to cause ripples to the rest of the group?

Logically, I am torn. The logical thing to do is just stay the course and keep going with the high road. But the emotional logic is telling me to be the bad guy. Get angry and fight back.

I know either way I’m going to always be the villain in this story. The question is, should I actually play the villain or just let her perceive me as one to everyone?

I wish I could just burn the high road down and bring everything to the same level, but it’s pointless. I’ll endure it as long as possible. Hopefully, she agrees to sitting down and airing everything out so we can squash whatever issues she has with me, and we can both move on amicably.