Laughing Through the Dark Times

If you have followed along with my trauma and stupidity, you know that I have been devastated after this girl crushed me. Then she just couldn’t leave anything alone and would occasionally reach out for various reasons here and there. So now what do I do when she starts talking to me again randomly and invites me to her birthday party?

I go, pay the $300 dollar bar bill for all of us, and go back to her apartment with her friends, and I proceeded to drink more than I have since I turned 21. I try to operate on “tell the story, don’t be the story,” but boy did that not work. It was embarrassing enough being there very awkwardly, but I wanted people to know I do not give a single fuck about what is said about me, and I will go anywhere and be a great fucking time.

However, apparently, I had too good of a time and ended up blacking out and waking up with her on her couch while she was just making sure I did not die all night. Good news is, she clearly cares for me if she didn’t want me dead; unlike myself who sometimes would love if I was.

From there I had to Uber to work in the same clothes I was in the day before while still being pretty drunk. I don’t even remember leaving her house, just walking into the Uber and waking up at my job. What. The. Fuck.

Top 5 drunkest I have ever been. Probably the most embarrassing thing I have ever done; being that drunk around her and her friends while still hoping we could spark something back up. So now I am stuck in this really shitty spot because she’s continuing to talk to me, almost like the last 3 months nothing has happened and we are fine. But then being just good enough to show we are friends but that’s it.

I know, I know, why are you doing this to yourself? Just let it go and move on. Fuck being friends with her. I’ve tried and am trying. I am not hoping for anything, and I am definitely not the one that is reaching out to have the conversations. When the conversations die off with an “lol” or “haha,” I am just not replying by keeping it going, and poof, a few hours later she sparks up the convo again with something else.

My buddy has told me the entire time to don’t seem desperate, don’t be too eager to talk, and that is what I am doing. If this is going to go anywhere, then she is going to have to do the work here, not the other way around.

Am I wrong for that? Probably. But then again, I didn’t end shit, she did.

I am not getting my hopes up. Still believe that she is just bat shit fucking crazy and there is nothing going to ever happen between us again. However, my brain likes me to be in pain so its making up a lot of scenarios in its fucked up head and they are not going to be pleasant when they don’t pan out.